So this is the new life. There are wonderful days and excruciating ones. There are distractions that make you feel normal again, and then the pain comes rushing back in. But it’s softer now. You can feel it. You can see a glimmer of hope on the horizon. Even now, the tears don’t come quite as quickly as they did before, and they certainly don’t last as long. You may not trust it yet — and that’s ok.
Your first attempts at this new life may not have worked exactly as you wanted them to. There were moments of hope followed by moments of intense pain — rejection, failure, “no’s” that you thought should have been a “yes.” But still you tried, and that is a beautiful thing.
You continue to dream — and that hasn’t happened for a long time. Be thankful for the opportunity you have to imagine a life outside of the one you’re living. Outside the one you left. You’re ready — so unbelievably ready — to start this new life. Or rather, start a new life again. And as frustrating as that fact is at times, you should be damn proud of yourself for doing just that.
So you let yourself dream, just a little. To imagine this life can and will be everything you want. What astounds you is how simple those dreams are, really. Adventure. Love. Loyalty. Laugher. Companionship. Bettering the world, just a little. And becoming better yourself every single day.
This time, you know you’re different. You have to be. And yet, you feel you’re actually the same. You don’t know it now, but that’s the most inspiring thing you can be. You’re coming back to yourself. Back to the joyous, loving, hopeful, giving, and open person you once were. No more daily anxiety, no more blaming yourself for someone else’s shortcomings, and no more feeling worthless while calling it love. You’re YOU again. This time, though, you’re just a little bit more careful. Maybe a little less trusting. And a little bit more decisive about what is and isn’t allowable in your life. And that is amazing.
Some nights you drift off to sleep in peace. Others, you replay the many pains of the past. They harden your heart when you’re feeling nostalgic, keeping those destructive moments from becoming too hazy. Maybe that’s good. At least for now, it’s ok to let that little part of yourself shut down.
But you know yourself. You don’t want to be closed off. You’d rather be soft, loving, and forgiving. Open to others, who may once again touch your heart. And you will be. You just have to be strong enough to get through this part a little longer. You just have to be strong long enough to give yourself time to discover your own worth once again.
